October 1st… there’s no chance in hell I will ever forget that day. That was the day that changed me forever. Yes, you guessed it, that was the day I was diagnosed with Cancer. I can honestly tell you I have never been so calm on the outside in my life. Inside, I was a mess, yet I tried not to show it, because it was overwhelming and there were too many people around, so I chose not to acknowledge it. Let’s dial it back and tell the story:
Leading Up To This Day
I knew deep down something was wrong because I was having so much trouble breathing, but I kept telling myself it would pass, it’s just allergies. I switched from cigarettes to vaping because I often enjoyed lying to myself. It was summer, so I convinced myself it was just the heat and humidity until the day came when I said to my best friend, “I need to go to the hospital”.
My lungs were full of fluid, and there was a mass covering my entire right lung. It was obvious even from the x-ray that I likely had Cancer. The first thing I did was get mad at my mother. I had just spent three years being her caregiver for the same thing, 3 years before. We always blame mom, don’t we? I also quit smoking for good on that day.
The very next day started the tornado of activity started after I agreed to be admitted for tests. Every scan you could imagine, paired with endless blood tests and biopsies. This all happened in a week. Endless conversations with many doctors, and still I remained calm. I didn’t freak out until it got super quiet. I turned to my friend and whispered, “I don’t want to die”. I received my first treatment in the hospital, and I did freak out about that a little.
Mostly, I didn’t wanna go out like my mom, riddled with pain, but I guess everyone does. Mom didn’t fight, though, and there was no way I wasn’t. I had no idea what that looked like, and strangely, it was somewhat comforting that the doctors were so aggressive; it left little time for overthinking
Treatment
I was diagnosed with stage 3 small cell lung cancer. It never, by the grace of god, metastasized to this day so treatment was fast and intense. I got Chemo and Radiation at the same time and to this day receive Immunotherapy. For me, the hardest parts were the side effects. I found myself hospitalized several times for side effects related to my immune system and Esophagitis.
As difficult as this Cancer journey has been, I remain grateful to live a life that has been changed, yes, but I put my health and my well-being first now, and that’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Life is not at all easy now. I can’t do a lot of the things I used to. Fatigue will be my partner, probably forever. PTSD is a fellow traveler we will revisit.
I am sharing my experience so other Cancer survivors will feel less isolated and perhaps even pick up some useful advice.
Stay Well,
Heidi
